i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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