She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
