My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
