Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
