A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
