dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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