I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
two words: eviction party
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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