absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm getting married
To pizza
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Terrible idea I love it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
