I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
