Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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