When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My feet surprised me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
