everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
