my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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