I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
