So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
