I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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