I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
