Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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