You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
