and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
