"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Someone came in the potted fern
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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