ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
