I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
