i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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