I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
