This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
