paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
