I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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