I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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