Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize