I met the friendliest cop last night
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
