Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
