I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
