I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
