i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
