My liver just broke up with me...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
