Where is the hickey?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
