as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
