College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
