dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
