dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
