Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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