This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize