and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
