she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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