Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
