The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
