Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Randomize
