Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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