Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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