remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
