I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
