my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
