its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
it's like iHOP with fire
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
