I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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