i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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