Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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