Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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