No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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