if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
