So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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