i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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