I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
high people should be assigned attendants
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
