Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
